How do you survive I-95 South Georgia? First: Prepare a playlist called “Pure Rage and Good Vibes.” You’ll need both. Second: Bring snacks. Trail mix is good. A whole rotisserie chicken is better. You may be stuck for hours, and no one wants to eat stale gas-station jerky while crying. Third: Accept your fate. You are not going anywhere fast. You are now part of a slow-moving, metal-and-hemp- scented parade that smells like hot asphalt and regret.
Also, download a podcast about serial killers. It makes the time pass faster and puts your own misery in perspective. “Yeah, I’m stuck in traffic, but at least I’m not being stalked by a guy in a white van.” See? Perspective.
And finally, remember the Georgia State Patrol is always watching. They’ll pop out from behind a billboard advertising “Peach World” like a ninja. They don’t write tickets for speeding; they write them for losing the game. So keep your eyes on the road, your hands at ten and two, and your middle finger hidden. You’re a guest here. A patient, slightly homicidal guest.
So next time you merge onto 95 South between Brunswick and the Florida line, take a deep breath. You are now in a 100-mile-long, slow-motion game of bumper cars with 50,000 strangers. Embrace the absurdity. Roll down the window, scream a little, and remember: this too shall pass. In about four hours. Or eight. Without traffic, in Georgia, it only feels like forever. Safe travels, and may your check-engine light stay off. You’ll need it.
