Returning the car is worse. You pull into the return garage, and an attendant sprints toward you like you’re carrying a bomb. They scan your car with the intensity of a bomb-sniffing dog. Then they hand you a receipt that is exactly 47 inches long and printed in invisible ink. The receipt says, “Thank you. Please check your email for a surprise.” The surprise is always an additional $14 for “roadside assistance” you never asked for.
Here’s the real surprising fact: Hertz at O’Hare is actually the largest single-site rental car operation in the Midwest. No joke. They have over 3,000 cars there. And somehow, none of them are the one you reserved. It’s a miracle of logistics. They can move 3,000 cars, but they cannot find your Hyundai Elantra. It’s like a magic trick, except the trick is making you cry.
But I tell you this with love: once you survive the kiosk, the shuttle, the upgrade lottery, the parking lot maze, and the return ambush, you will emerge with a story. A story about how you beat the system. Or how the system beat you into a tiny, compact-sized version of yourself. Either way, you’ll never look at a Chevy Malibu the same way again. And you’ll still rent from Hertz next time, because what choice do we have? Welcome to Chicago. Now drive.
