First, make a list. Write it down. On paper. Otherwise, you’ll get distracted by a “Magic Tree Saw” that claims to cut wood by itself. (It doesn’t. I have tried.) Second, wear comfortable shoes and trousers with pockets. You’ll need them to carry the two hundred screws you’ll accidentally buy because the aisle was labelled “M6” and you panicked.
Finally, remember this surprising fact: B&Q was founded in 1969 by two British men, Richard Block and David Quayle. The “Q” in their name is from Quayle, but they added the ampersand to make it sound posher. So when you’re fighting for a trolley at 8:15 AM, just remember—you’re taking part in a tradition of glorious, slightly posh, do-it-yourself misery that is over 50 years old. What an honour.
The Closing Time Shuffle (Don’t Ignore It)
At 5:45 PM, a voice over the loudspeaker will say, “Attention customers, we will be closing in fifteen minutes.” This is a lie. They want you out at seventeen minutes. At 6 PM sharp, a hero in an orange apron will physically escort you to the checkout, even if you’re holding a single nail. Do not argue. Do not try to “just look one more aisle.” The nail will wait. Your dignity will not.
So, in summary: B&Q is open 8 AM to 6 PM on Bank Holiday Monday—mostly. Check online, bring a mate for moral support, and accept that you will come home with a packet of cable ties you have no use for. Embrace the chaos. And if you see me in the timber aisle, staring at a plank of wood? Just nod. I know what I’m doing. Probably.
